Eight Months and 15 Days

Eight months and 15 days. That’s how long it’s been. Will I ever stop counting time from the day he died?

Episodes of sobbing are fewer now, though maddeningly unpredictable.

Last Week I spoke at a meeting of moms at a parish in Chandler. I didn’t feel I could authentically speak without mentioning the recent death of our son. I surprised myself by calmly telling the facts of Evan’s accident before addressing the topic of my talk. Some of the moms cried, but I didn’t shed a tear.

Then, yesterday I was at a parish festival having a perfectly pleasant conversation with a woman about a memorable time when she sang a duet at a little chapel in Mexico with her son. As we walked away I could not contain my sobs and felt rather foolish blurting out to Doug, who had no idea what had come over me, “Evan wouldn’t have needed a microphone either.”

“IT’S SO CURIOUS: ONE CAN RESIST TEARS
AND BEHAVE VERY WELL IN THE HARDEST
HOURS OF GRIEF. BUT THEN SOMEONE MAKES
YOU A FRIENDLY SIGN BEHIND A WINDOW,
OR ONE NOTICES THAT A FLOWER THAT WAS
IN BUD ONLY YESTERDAY HAS SUDDENLY
BLOSSOMED, OR A LETTER SLIPS FROM A
DRAWER. AND EVERYTHING COLLAPSES
– Colette. http://www.whatsyourgrief.com

It occurs to me that Evan’s loud voice, now silenced, demands its own moments of grief. I miss his booming voice. I also mourn what will not be.

A little flame had burned inside me for many years; a hope that our whole family, might once again sing Christmas carols as we did in days past. But now that tiny flame has flared and morphed into tears as I confront the reality that Evan’s not coming home for Thanksgiving, nor Christmas, nor New Years, nor for any birthdays or celebrations here on earth.

Last year months before his 39th birthday, Evan announced a “40th birthday rehearsal birthday party” in Guatemala. All were invited. Christopher traveled to Guatemala and some of Evan’s friends went too. Chris said it was an exceptional celebration and that the conversations were long and meaningful. He seemed proud of Evan, especially for taking the lead in being vulnerable.

Thank you, dear friends and family for all your love and support and prayers. I honestly don’t know how I’d go on without you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I’ll leave you with this.. If you have an idea for letting someone know you love them do it. We all need to be seen and heard and known. Act on your idea. Loving others changes you and it changes the world for the better.