Deserving

“I truly have a blessed life. I truly don’t deserve it. . . There is no deserve. There just is.” – Evan Daniel Bogart Countless times I’ve listened to the above words in an audio clip while watching the accompanying video Evan’s friends made and shared after his funeral services. I’ve savored the sound of…

Truth and Beauty

Our daughter Xhiv’s courage and vulnerability in sharing her often misunderstood grief surrounding the death of her birth mother and the losses which accompany adoption continues to teach us to face sorrow and loss with fortitude and honesty. Evan was a fan of Xhiv’s art because he valued truth telling and her art is raw…

Yarn and Tangled Thoughts

I’m knitting a blanket for our ninth grandchild, who is due to make an appearance in Houston in December. When I don’t pay attention, my yarn catches on a chair or table leg or gets wrapped around some other object and I have to interrupt the rhythm of my knitting to free it. Similarly, the…

Flooded, Deluged, Inundated

When I began this blog I liked the word, “inundated” and having very little idea what it meant, I relished the notion of being submerged in, flooded with, and totally overwhelmed with Love. The suffering of Evan’s death is changing me. From the moment I first heard the news. Sorrow cut chasms into my inmost…

Water and Rocks

Today Doug and I went for an easy hike along the shores of a peaceful lake in the White Mountains. As we walked along, a rhythmic phrase invaded my thoughts, “water and rocks, rocks and water, water and rocks”. I was lagging a bit behind and my attentive husband turned and asked, “Are you okay?”…

Rivers of Joy, Streams of Tears

It was in August four years ago that he coaxed and cajoled until I agreed to go with him. I had once been hurled against a rock by a smaller calmer river and was scared. He promised he wouldn’t let me fall from his raft, a promise he kept. Strong, commanding, professional; he knew what…

Anesthesia, Grief & Healing

It’s tricky to get the right amount of anesthesia. Too much is harmful. Not enough and the pain is overwhelming. Anesthetized, we lose consciousness, yet don’t rest. The pain is numbed but the wound remains. The line between need and harmful excess is not easily definable. Ice cream sweetly distracts from pain, one scoop at…

Human Breath

Years ago Evan gave me this icon of Mary and Jesus with their faces touching. He had written the icon himself and relayed what he had learned of how vital human breath is to the ancient work of writing icons in the Church of the East. Now it’s packed away in a box awaiting a…

Love is Risky. Love Anyway.

We started out completely lost in each other. I only knew his love for me. It was as if nothing else existed. Sometimes it seemed my heart would explode at the sound of his voice or the sight of his loving gaze. And even though I’d been warned the feelings would fade, I set aside…