Love & Heartbreak

I happened across some thoughts Evan saved on his computer. His words serve as a glimpse into the heart of our beloved son. He could not have known the ultimate heartbreak of these past few months, but he got it right. Our love for him and for each other (which is rooted in God’s infinite…

Grief & the “Little Way”

Grief is completely irrational. It also has a way of sneaking up on us when we least expect it. At a retreat center recently, I sat to put on my socks when it dawned on me, “Oh, this is a rocking chair!” That simple thought brought an unexpected deluge of tears and sobs as I…

Those Who’ve Grieved Before Us

More than 80 years ago the eleven-year-old son of my maternal grandmother died in a sledding accident. A year or so later his brother died from a burst appendix. In my mind, Herman and Herschel were my mother’s brothers who died before I was born. My mom was a child when her brothers died. On…

Anger & Gratitude

Part of the grieving process, for me, is the ongoing effort to understand as many details of Evan’s accident as I can. Recently I searched online for news stories about the 48 hour search for him. I’m not sure why I waited so long, but when I found some images I went numb, staring. All…

Unalterable Sacred Words

. When Evan was little every day during our nap time ritual he would say, “We’re gonna love each other forever, right Mama?” I’d answer, “Yes, Evan, we’re gonna love each other forever, now go to sleep.” During army boot camp, when he sent me letters, he wanted to reaffirm his love for me, but…

Love Lives On

Thinking I would learn how to help others with their trauma, in July of 2021 I attended a five day trauma healing retreat called Grief to Grace. I had no idea how it would rock my world. It gave me clarity concerning my previously baffling thoughts and behaviors and how they were connected to specific…

The Mystery of Life and Death

On February 9th the world as we knew it was forever altered. We began navigating a new reality – one in which the unthinkable happens – not just in stories or in other people’s lives, but in ours. I do realize I’m not alone in wandering through a fog of grief. Moms and dads, brothers…

Evan’s Big Sister

Cana is about three-and-a half-years-older than Evan and there is another brother in between. Their places in the family meant he played the “annoying little brother” role and she the “not amused” big sister when they were kids, but they grew into siblings who love each other fiercely and are always for each other. I…

A Blanket & a Butterfly

I recently flew all the way to Houston and stayed in my daughter, Xhiv’s apartment for a few days. One day we carefully pulled colorful stickers off one piece of paper attaching them to corresponding numbered spaces on another, creating mosaics. Hers was a cheetah, or was it a leopard? Mine was a butterfly. Later…

Not a Mama Bear

Evan used to be terrified of those small fork lifts that emptied trash cans into dumpsters at the city park. Thoroughly engaged in play with his friends, at the sight of a fork life he’d come crying and wait safely in my arms until the machine went far away. If I were a Mama bear,…